Do you ever find that over a period of time the things we hear, see, and do build and build until we have one of those seemingly ‘crying for no reason’ moments. I have them, my husband can verify that. I hate them because they always wreck my make up, you know when you wipe your eye with your hand and an entire eye’s worth of wet mascara smears over your fingers while tears rolling over your blusher leave stripes on your cheeks.
Here’s Why It happens To Me
Before I started blogging I used to be very much into Facebook, I was posting lots, then checking my phone constantly to see who’s liked or commented, needing some kind of verification that I was popular or whatever. I followed a lot of groups and pages which dealt with animal cruelty issues as this is something I feel very strongly about. Groups such as PETA both generally and regarding the food industry. Being a life long veggie I wanted to know all about anything relative. I found I was being bombarded daily with awful and upsetting images/videos of all kinds of terrible things that I didn’t want to watch or see but of course it’s in our nature as human beings that we can’t help watching or looking. even if it’s through our fingers. Over time with the bombardment of upsetting images coupled with other little annoyances in our lives we suddenly have one of those afore mentioned crying moments. Well that’s how it is for me.
So this year I resolved to ditch looking at images that may damage my psyche and affect my wellbeing. Even better just ditch my personal Facebook account all together! I tried this for a while back along and after a week or so the ‘brain chatter’ I was experiencing stopped. The constant incoming information from my news feed was overloading my brain. weirdly everything else just felt quieter too. The house felt eerily quiet. It wasn’t of course but the ‘brain chatter’ had ceased and I was free to actually think of other things, and allow my mind to just drift. It’s definitely a very real phenomena.
Since I’ve been blogging I’ve lost interest in my personal Facebook account and I actually don’t miss it at all. I’ve got more important things to do these days anyway. This coming from a previous Facebook addict is quite something!
In other issues: I have a daughter who is growing up very quickly, recently started secondary school and is no longer that clingy little girl that wouldn’t leave my side. It’s very hard as a mother to come to terms with this and early last year I found my self feeling utterly bereft, having some sort of mini breakdown. Just looking at photos of her as a toddler which are scattered around our house would start me blubbering, ‘I want my baby back!’ I would be screaming inside. (This isn’t like me at all) coping with all the final year at Primary School ‘goings ons’, leavers service, last photos taken in front of the school etc. We stand there in the Playground with the other mums and say ‘oh it’s gone so fast’ but if you really look back, time wasn’t going fast at all. It just seemed that way in retrospect.
I remember fondly, holding my newborn daughter and longing for the day she would give me her first smile, cut her first tooth and then wishing she would hurry up and start crawling, then wanting her to walk, and talk. I was so busy wanting to her to move on in her life that when I look back now I wish I’d embraced all that time fully as now I’m wanting the exact opposite. I want those baby years back.
Sadly though, those days are gone and we have to look forward and move onto a new chapter. It’s a fact of life isn’t it. Our children grow up, in the the same way we did. The elastic between us stretches and stretches as they grow until one day it snaps as they fly the nest.
So we have five short years now left at school and I’m trying to embrace this time while I still have her. We have a close relationship and she’s always been the ‘huggy’ type (she gets that from me) so I’ll keep hugging her for as long as she will let me.
I try to stay positive but still have my moments. We, as parents should have a far better ‘in built’ coping mechanism for dealing with this kind of parenting issue. We don’t realise how our children growing up will affect us until it actually happens. Some of us will find it harder than others of course but I didn’t think it would affect me the way it has. I’m usually pretty well balanced. I don’t even remember really what triggered it exactly other than a sudden feeling of being completely overwhelmed with sadness and then followed by at least ten days solid of crying, mooning about and just generally feeling dysfunctional as a human. I decided to spend some time researching these feelings as I wanted verificaion that I was ‘normal’ It seems pretty much all parents, Mothers, Fathers alike go through this feeling of loss at some point. It really helped me to read about other families going through the same struggle as I was, and still am.
don’t get me wrong, I love to see my daughter growing into the little lady she is becoming, she is still here, alive and kicking! I look forward to more of our girly shopping days (which she finds more enjoyable these days) we love doing our nails and hanging out together and it’s great to see her changing and becoming more opinionated as the years tick by.
It’s not been an easy time for me but i’m Lucky enough to have an adoring and supportive husband who helped me through my dark days. Not sure how I would’ve managed without him. He has always had the ability to lift my mood and help me see sense of things when I’m being irrational. I’m so very grateful to have him in my life.
And finally, In the words of my lovely neighbour who happened to be privy to one of my meltdown moments “it’s a very emotional time for us mums but WE GET THROUGH IT’ she was right, we do get through it, she did. I’m over the worst now but I will continue to have days where all I want to do is sit on my child’s bed hugging her favourite soft toy, longing for her to be that ‘babe in arms’ again and just cry and cry.
If I could turn back time the hands of time and do it all again. I would.
I hope I’ve helped in some way if you’re having the same struggles. let me know how you cope!